The Path Unknown...

The Path Unknown...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

You Can Never Cross The Ocean Unless You Have Courage To Lose Sight Of The Shore...

The title for today's blog is a quote by Christopher Columbus....pretty wise dude. :)

                                          He and I totally have something in common... =D

I believe the same goes for ED recovery. Lately I am totally lacking in the courage department. So I'm just looking out at the ocean and occasionally dipping my toes in before quickly pulling them back out. Who knows how long it will be before I find the audacity to try to push myself to completely take the plunge and free myself from Ed.

Honestly trying to recover is HARD!...and quite frankly sucks right now. I'm sure once I'm recovered for awhile it will have been the greatest choice I could have made. Yet, lately I can't help but wonder if this is all really worth it. Of course TERI knows it is, but unfortunately Ed is still stronger and more dominant.

I'm still working on trying to eat more, w/o much luck, and increase things are moving very slowly. I find that I'd rather have a tiny bit of something that's not good for me than the right amount of what my body needs. Sarah says this is because of my body being in starvation wants fuel and it wants it fast, so that's why I want sugar. I know she's right, it makes total sense, but Ed says I want sugar because I'm fat and weak. If I were skinny enough I wouldn't ever crave things that weren't good for me. As ridiculous as that sounds I can't totally dismiss him and the thoughts like these that are constantly running through my head.

I've also upped my workouts again which is a big no-no, but am feeling miserable about the weight that I know I've gained (Still haven't stepped on a scale since beginning recovery, but can feel and see it.) Soooo....Ed's somehow got me convinced that by increasing my gym time I'm making up for failing myself and gaining weight. While I'm more concerned about feeling like a failure for not listening to Sarah about cutting back on exercise and not even attempting to follow my meal plan Ed still wins and the workouts continue to get longer and longer again. Something we'll have to address on Friday when I see her again.

On a happier note I went away last weekend and went snowboarding!!!! Had an AWESOME time and have determined that I totally need more practice getting off the lift. Fall on my ass every time! How is it that I can make it down the mountain just fine, but the lift totally kicks my ass? haha Sarah teaches snowboarding and told me how it helped her recover from her ED and that it's a great way to get your mind off everything. She couldn't have been more right. I've snowboarded before, but never thought of it that way. I also never thought of it as being a good workout...even while I was up on the mountain I was telling myself that I should have figured out how to fit in a workout that morning. I was wrong arms and thighs are still sore and it's been 4 days!...oh yea, my bum is sore from all the falling too.

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week. The theme this year is "It's Time to Talk About It", which I am doing here. They are encouraging everyone to do just one thing think of how many people can be reached if we all follow their lead and do something!

Melissa from Melissa Nibbles (one of my fav blogs!!!) wrote a great post this week about NEDAW. It's definitely a must read! She describes perfectly some of the things she's dealt with, and I currently am, on a day to day basis.

Fun weekend planned here...then off to Vegas next week!

What are you all doing this weekend? Will you do one thing to honor NEDAW?..if so what?


  1. just came across your blog! it's fabulous! you have some great insight on your posts! I just did a post about this, just this morning. stay strong girl. you're amazing :)

  2. Hi cous! I am so proud of you for not having stepped on the scale! YAY! And even bigger kudos for being so good about sticking with counseling. I know that at times it feels so much easier to just give up and flush your goal of recovery down the toilet, but you are hanging in there & that deserves a standing o. You are being extremely difficult on yourself, which I like, because it means you still have sight of the big picture & know recovery is possible. I don't want you to forget however all of the amazing things you are doing in the process. Each step you take may feel small but really they are HUGE & I am so proud of you! You have already accomplished so much! Even if it doesn't feel that way. I've told you b4, relapses are a given. Just remember that with each relapse comes a chance to climb back up on the horse & get closer to freedom. I can't wait for you to know what that feels like. Thanks for informing me that it's NEDAW. I'll have to mention it on my blog. I love you so much!